Candice @Candace.Moulton:
What is one of the many things you’ve learned about being a parent so far?
Alanis:
there are so many things i have learned that to pull one is a challenge…so maybe i’ll share what i most recently learned (yesterday!)
one tendency i see that i have is that of overcompensating a bit, ie wanting to make sure that i provide things for my son in a way that leads to a perfectionism that is debilitating.
i thought i had worked through a lot of my perfectionism in general, which i have.
and yet a whole new version of it has popped up around parenting.
the attachment model of parenting is the one that i value the most.
i have always been obsessed with the stages of development…
and have been a student of erik erikson, piaget, freud, as well as more modern versions of these stages, my favorite one being the distilled developmental chart in harville hendrix’s “keeping the love you find”
this propensity on my part to want to provide the ideal love/safety/protection/freedom/offering can sometimes get the best of me in one area: care for my own self.
i am learning that the combination of valuing the attachment model, and the stages of development themselves, as well as wanting to nurture my marriage, my career and vocation, my friendships (wow, the effect of becoming a parent on friendships has been marked), etc can result in there being little time for self care and my own spiritual practice.
so to answer your question,
now that i am 14 months in to this new identity of “mom”, i am seeing that while a shift in priorities was demanded of me (goodbye sleep, my old friend etc etc), and a whole new re-structuring of my life was par for this new identity’s course, i am seeing that my self-care has taken on a new imperative. ie: all things fall apart if i drop my own ball.
did i put my own self-care lower on the list of priorities for a while? of course i did, and to imply that self care can stay number one on the list in the first year of having a child is erroneous and misleading: there was no way i could keep up with my self-care regime and be the kind of attachment parent i wanted to be.
but as the months have now gone by, i can see there is a slow and growing opportunity to get back to some of my rituals of old:
meditation, exercise in nature, yoga, gatherings….solitude, writing….prayer…
that these have now become almost mandatory, rather than a mere indulgence.
that the recharging of my emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical batteries is the only way i can continue to be the mom and wife and artist that i want to be.
and that i can be gentle with myself for having put this self-care on hold for a while.
and that every new mom deserves a ton of slack and love around this adjustment to a whole new life with the new little bird.
so, yes, i’ve learned that self-care is huge. important. mandatory. and i’ve also learned that my having dropped that ball for a while is totally understandable and even expected post-birth. and that doing as well as i can, with parenting, wife-ing, service at large and self-caring is good enough. 
thanks for your question.
big love xo
alanis
Best Wishes for you and yours always
Thanks for sharing Alanis. I’m excited everytime I see that you post something new and share a little piece of you with us. I could see myself having a similar issue if I ever raise children. The other thing I worry about with this strive for perfection and complete love and nurturing is that I will put those pressures on my child as they grow up. Pressures to be perfect and that is an unfair burden for them to bear. Good thing I don’t have kids yet, I can still work this out. Haha!
self-care eh, gonna try that myself one day:)
self-care eh, gonna try that myself one day:) thanks xo
Aww I loved this reply. I love the attachment parenting model too, and relating to your children on their developmental level (rather than treating them like mini-adults) is very, very important.
Sometimes the best care you can give as a parent is taking care of yourself first. It is hard to get used to… feels awfully selfish and guilt ridden at first to take time out, but I find you can give more freely of yourself if you take time out to BE yourself.
great
Thamks for share your mew experience:)
God Bless you!
Thank you for give us a bit of this new experience in your life. We are always with you. Peace!
You are my inspiration! Te amooooooooo
I also thank you Alanis for sharing a little bit of your new experiences with us, and for letting us fans be a part of your life. These words are very deep and inspiring. I don’t have a child but I know we should never forget ourselves, we can only make other happy if we are happy ourselves – so we should not forget taking care of ourselves! Looking forward to seeing you live in Berlin
)
I’m very happythat you are living a fulfilling life with your son and husband, I think you deserve the best
PLEASE, don’t forget about the people you were talking to in Jagged little pill or former infatuation junkie… those people are still in need and you were a voice…a channel for them.
That angst and despair is still alive
Thank you very much
thanks for sharing a little of your life and soul.
Hi Alanis–
I love this entry…
On the Transitioning to Motherhood discussion w/ Sheryl Paul last Fall, I was really struggling w/ how to do this attachment parenting while still keeping my own O2 mask on…
My daughter is now 16 months and I am just now really seeing the free space that is opening up to get back to the mat, back to (a little) reflective space, back to my own interests. Still haven’t mastered the return of getting enough sleep… though I hear this is lifelong as a parent! Also, like you, realizing that the return of these certain old parts of self while great to see back, take a new shape and different form–you mention friendships in particular.
The new priority list of mother, wife, household, work balance leaves little room for the deeper connections (and how I miss that!!!), but still noticing that those deeper connections still there (and now w/ some new new-Mom friends, too:), just quieter and less verbalized b/c of the constraints of trying to have a conversation while my daughter tries to eat a leaf on the playground cement, etc…
I feel like I have ADD or similar these days!! But I know the luxury of good, deep, focused, long-winded conversations aplenty will one day return.
I keep perspective (or try!)
Further, the perfectionism you mention…
I have been reading a great book–Beyond the Sling that Mayim Bialek (Blossom!) wrote.
She and her husband are practicing attachment parenting and reading it is so comforting to me about how suceeding at it doesn’t mean you have to be a full-blown hippie living on a commune and being at your child’s side 24/7. The last chapter of the book talks about how she and other families balance work (part-time within reason) w/ the attachment parenting model… I left it feeling so happy, so enlightened, and above all, relieved that yes, there is a way to do this and that what me and my husband have been doing is working. I am learning that
we have an ‘atypical’ family/parenting approach compared to the typical American family. I find that part sad that our country still finds putting in a day care center 40-50hrs/week and parents seeing their children only for an hour at night and then on weekends good enough. I don’t want to sound judgemental, but it is not good enough in my strong opinion.
Children are meant to be w/ their primary care providers (ideally Mom) the majority of the time (not every minute-phew!-but the majority).
It does come w/ sacrafice (sleep, self-care, etc, etc, etc).
I like how she questions these larger questions of why we are accepting parental bare-minimum child-raising as the norm here.
Maybe our culture is too selfish (I at moments not excluded), too me-focused.
Maybe there needs to be more attention drawn to the research that supports what happens long-range when maternal attachment is not there–>adulthood depression, anxiety, trust-issues, adult relationship challenges that may be unnecessary?
And the bonus chip short-range benefits-less behavioral problems, happier, peaceful kids, etc.
Highly recommend Mayim Bialek’s refreshing, modern day approach to attachment parenting and how to manage it real-world style.
Best to you and yours-
Marybeth
Boston, MA
Dear Alanis,
I have to tell you, I relate to this. My little one is 10 months old, and I can’t say that I have been up for much in the way of self care. Sophia naps between one hour a day to about 2 and a half hours, if it’s a nap-rich day, and when the time comes where I do have time for leisure, it seems that I would rather plop down on the couch with my computer, a book, etc, than do much else. Hence my jogging, yoga-ing, meditation, etc has fallen severely by the wayside.
I haven’t abandoned them permanently, but they’re put off until further notice. Most of my ambitions have been put off until further notice. Holding, nursing, entertaining and otherwise being attached to my baby have consumed me more than I could have anticipated. For instance, at 10 months, she is still nursing almost exclusively, which I didn’t anticipate.
As I’m sure you know, being a mother requires a level of commitment unfathomable to non parents, my former self included. So I’m giving myself a break for now, for a few more months, or however long it takes until I regain my zest for ‘extra curricular’ activities. Self care is important, but for the time being, I’m letting myself off the hook.
Take care,
sarah
First I want to say, you’re doing great. I can understand how someone would get the whole perfectionism thing back, especially if they had it before. I think it’s great that you realize it now rather than later. I’m sooooooo happy for you and Mario. I think the biggest thing is to not project anything you wanted or hoped for onto Ever. He is going to be his own person one day and sooner that you think. I think the best thing would be to aid him in the directions he chooses and to remember, he will be a rockstar at anything he chooses to do. He’s got great genes and great parents. It’s normal for you to want more for him than you’ve ever wanted before. You’re a mom (my mom did). He will find his way and you’ll both guild him as best as you can. Every parent faces their own fears when razing a child (words from my dad). You’re doing great and it’s clear to everyone. Relax and enjoy it. You’re fantastic people and you’re going to do great.
—> “SouleyeAM4Ever!” <—
PS: tell Souleye no more base-jumping or extreme (as in extremely dangerous) sports even if the flying squirrel suit video thing was bada#@! It was probably the craziest most fun thing I’ve ever seen. I’d like to know what the people sitting on the patio thought. Lol wow!!!
jk
PPS: Please don’t tell him I said that. Don’t want him to come up to PA and kick my butt!!!
Oh and “Alignment” is BadA@# too!!
but the running in traffic is a bad idea to. Like father like son!!! Don’t tell him I said that either please. 
hehehe
Alanis,
A wonderful share regarding motherhood. After having raised 2 children with my wife, you have to bond with your children, show them love and teach them respect. But at the same time you have to make time for you. Good luck. In closing the biggest thing you should do is let your children be children. Also remember when they do something they shouldn’t, correct them, don’t punish them when they are so young. a great saying I heard, children raised with love are loving, raised with respect are respectful, raised with patience are patient and raised with encouragement will be confident.
Do you paint or draw? If yes, then how would you talk about it’s relationship to your composing?
…;) oops. !hate! that hasteful goof…its, not it’s!
hi, just popping in for a sec here – I could not be more in love with this new cd – omg, first “guardian” got me, then “receive” then “spiral” – “woman down” floored me, “havoc” floored me more !! and now, “edge of evolution” just got me – it is completely different from every single song – omg – I think if you’ve been into this music since day 1 you’ll agree – the vocal the music is unique – so unique !! how awesome, that’s just pure authentic artist poet there, wow !!